Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Selling Myself

My father always says that the best person to sell myself is me. I have been doing that recently through applying for jobs and so forth but not with any success. It is rather disheartening and, as I have stated elsewhere, I did start to wonder why I wanted to be a journalist.

Furthermore, I have been a tad low having not seen many 'young' people for a while or, indeed, any of my friends. That is why I was thrilled when a good friend over from Japan and I managed to meet up earlier this week. We chatted and met up with a third friend and thus ended up staying with this third friend for the night as it became late and a little alcoholic. It was great to be a gang of three again to talk things through and remember why we made such a good group of friends.

Though this was a positive experience, as I remembered the strength of friendships, in some ways it was less positive as it brought back old memories. It's taken me a while to get over the last few, emotional months at Warwick. It took me 8 or 9 months to forgive myself yet alone the others involved and I wanted to prove that I was over the past. As I sat on the Motorway back home, I heard a song that I had not heard in a while and it seemed to summarise an old internal division:
"So I guess the fortune teller's right: I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light but you crawled beneath my veins. [...] There's nothing where he used to lie, my inspiration has run dry. That's what's going on. Nothing's fine, I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel: I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn." (Natalie Imbruglia - 'Torn')

I realised that there was still some forgieness to do - both of myself and others. I did wonder if I had been trying to rush this, not giving myself the proper time to recover. I heard in a recent interview with the Archbishop of Canterbury, a discussion of forgiveness and bridgebuilding. He said that rather than looking for things to be resolved in human time, we need to look for Reconciliation in God's Time. Things do not happen overnight and this may just have been one more step along the road of resolving who I am and what sort of relationships I want from life. Then, I need to better present myself as a partner. That does not mean 'selling' my body but acknowledging that I have personal value, not just in an academic or work-based location but also in amorous sense.

As I got home, I was listening to a CD that I loved whilst in France and there is a track called 'James Dean' (the acoustic version is far better than the original) which ends with the line:
"I could be knocked senseless by what you do but if it's pain that you put me through, this isn't love now. I've made up my own darn mind; I'm getting no love after all this time. I'm gonna make music till my brain is fried cos you can't see the man inside." ('James Dean' - Daniel Bedingfield)
So, I suppose this is true and it just took me a long time to realise. Despite the pain of the past, in a way I am more convinced over the last few days of what I want from the future. I spoke to a friend from the journalism course who told me that she and the course leader had met up recently and the course leader had said she was amazed that I had not got a job already in production as I will make one of the best producers. Another friend told me it would be such a loss not to be a journalist. Following on from my previous reflections, I realised that I will and the person stopping it all is me.

Therefore, following the 'sharing ministry' weekend, following the chat with my journo-mates and following the wonderful meeting with my two Warwick friends, I feel I am more focussed and wanting that journalism job, home and life I always dreamed of. I always had this dream of getting home from a late night shift presenting or producing a programme on Five Live, getting into my house and snuggling up someone I loved. It's time to start implementing it.

You know, sometimes when I write these things I feel like a teenager and know that I am showing a certain emotional immaturity. That said, i do find them comforting and I thank you for reading this drivel until the end.

I hope that you can see the need to love (and sell!) yourself without selling out,

With Love,